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Friday, February 15, 2013

Feelings gone haywire

Hindi ko alam kung paano ito sisimulan.  Sobrang down ako lately.  Feeling ko I feel so helpless and useless.  I feel so anxious and emotional.  Gusto kong isulat ang nararamdaman ko sa blog ngunit pinangungunahan ako ng takot.  Hindi ako sure kung may handa bang makinig sa aking mga hinaing.  Parang gusto na ayaw kong simulan.  Ang gulo lang. Pero something is screaming deep within me na kailangan ko naman na ipaliwanag at idipensa ang side ko.  Kung hindi ko ito ngayon sisimulan, kelan pa?  Kaya eto, nakaharap na naman ang inyong lingkod sa monitor at tiklado ng computer kahit mejo hindi maganda ang pakiramdam.

Nahihiya akong aminin sa mundo na may anxiety disorder akong nararamdaman sa sarili ko.  Kakaiba at ang weird ng feeling pag umaatake siya.  I already read several infos about it over the internet at hindi nalalayo dun yung nae-experience ko about anxiety attacks. Ako kasi yung taong madaldal at maingay online pero kabaligtaran naman sa tunay na buhay.  Kapag nasasaktan ako sa isang bagay o pangyayari, kinikimkim at sinasarili ko na lang ang aking mga nararamdaman.  Hindi ako ganun ka-vocal sa aking mga saloobin.  Gusto kong umiyak pero parang ang hirap gawin.  Marami din akong naging social/personal issues in the past lalo na sa family ko at lahat yun ay sinarili ko na lamang.  Yung bang minsan na feeling api ako, rejected at against sa akin ang mundo.  I also have a very low self esteem.  To be honest, I have a little to no good  self esteem about myself at all.  Isa marahil ang mga iyan sa dahilan na pinag-ugatan upang makaranas ako ng anxiety disorder sa sarili ko.  Feeling ko, abnormal ako (lols) kahit I know naman na hindi lang ako ang nakakaranas ng ganito sa buong mundo.  According din sa mga nabasa kong infos about anxiety, hindi naman siya health/life threatening pero nakakasagabal talaga siya sa normal na takbo ng buhay ng isang tao.  And yes treatable siya although hindi pa ako nagpapakonsulta sa isang espesyalista sa ganitong bagay.

I also felt that having an anxiety disorder is greatly misunderstood.  Hidden and tricky thing to identify in some people.  It f*cking sucks and is NOT a cool thing to have.  I hate it when people define it as fear, its more than that.

Humihingi din ako ng paumanhin kung pinili kong manahimik pansamantala sa mundo ng twitter at hindi ko din nare-replyan yung mga nagte-text sa akin.  ---- Needed to edit this part of my post.  Nagkausap na kami and I believe everything is good! Just a little misunderstanding lang on our part ----

Sorry if this sounds too emo for you, I just needed a place to vent out my feelings and with all that said and done, mejo gumaan gaan kahit papaano ang pakiramdam ko ngayon.  Dapat siguro matagal ko na itong ginawa, ngayon lang ako nagkalakas ng loob.  Maraming salamat sa iyo kaibigan for giving a fraction of your time in reading this at sa pang-unawa na din :)

51 comments:

  1. hey bro... alam mo honestly... parehas na parehas tayo.. as in ^_^...
    everything that you said here matches my personality... I think namention ko na xa before sa blog ko na may anxiety disorder din ako if that's how everybody address it..
    Ako kasi yung tao na kakabahan ng husto or sometime will stutter pa when I am with a group of people and mas komportable ako kung ako lang talaga mag isa... pero just like what you said.. it is something misunderstood lang sa kagaya natin...
    but I found myself in peace sa church... and of course with God...
    huwag mo na lang intindihin ang iba.... Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Salamat parekoy. Pero feeling ko mas worst case ung sa akin >_<

      Kaya ang hirap talagang ipaliwanag ang kalagayan ko sa ibang tao. Iisipin nila simpleng nerbyos lang ito or something pero hinde eh. Mas malalim pa dun. They wouldn't like it to be on my shoes, trust me. Ang hirap.

      Delete
  2. ano ka ba fiel, bakit may ganyan? ano nga pala ang silbi ko bilang kaibigan mo na nagaaspire maging social worker if never attempt to vent it out sakin. im willing to listen more than u think i can, professionally or personally man, never will i judge you either.

    whatever yang anxiety disorder mo we can talk about it, i can help u with that. just let me know when you will be ready.

    namiss kita ng bongga, ikaw lang kakulitan ko sa twitter tapos nawawla ka pa. =( lagi naman kita hinahanap ayaw mo akong pansinin kahit sa text pero ok lang naintindihan ko ang emosyon mo sana isang araw handa ka na harapin ako at pagusapan ano ba talaga yang kinikimkim mo. free ang consultation ko charrottsss hahaha di nga seriously u can talk to me kapag ready kana. im just here, just message me, im willing to help to get u out from those things u are thinking. =)

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    Replies
    1. Lala!!! alam mo ba nung nabasa ko tong comment mo gusto kong maiyak. parang may kumurot sa dibdib ko. and I'm sorry alam kong mali na hindi agad ako lumapit sayo. I know naman na you are willing to help, my bad.

      Thanks for making me feel na hindi ako nagiisa at may taong gustong dumamay sa akin. Na miss din kita. Pag di ka na busy usap tayo sa twitter. Sayang nga kung hindi lng long distance or mahal ang bayad sa phone pag tumawag sa inyo, naku iiyakan talaga kita lol.

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    2. kukurotin ko talaga yang singit kapag ndi kapa nagayos dyan. ilang araw din yang pananahimik mo ha, saka isa ako sa mga kaibigan mong handang makinig sa ano man yang pinagdadaanan mo. i understand what u feel and what uve been going through.

      basta wag ka ng mawala sa twitter UTANG NA LOOB na talaga hahaha nakakainis ang pakiramdam when u miss a friend kaya wag na talaga!! okay kahit busy ako ndi ko naman kau nakakalimutan lahat ano, excited nga akong umuwi lagi para makipagkulitan sa twitter kahit ndi pa ako nakapagblog hop ngayon sa sobrang busy lang. pero buhay ako sa twitter hahahaha

      basta tell me when ur ready.. ok? muaah!! hugs!!

      Delete
  3. May heavy feeling ka palang nararamdaman na hindi namin alam. Pero ganyan naman sa mundo ng online. Madaling itago ang sarili.

    Napagdaanan ko din noon yan. Sobrang tindi ng anxiety ko nun. Halos isuka ko na yung pagkain ko kapag inaatake ako. Then parang gusto ko nang magtago sa mga kakilala ko. I just want to be alone pero hindi pwede. Kailangang lumabas. Kailangang makisalamuha sa mga tao.

    So, wala akong choice kundi labanan ang anxiety.

    Kaya mo yan Fiel-kun. Tibayan mo lang ang loob mo. Mas maganda kung may mga tao kang makakusap tungkol sa problema mo. Mga taong mapagkakatiwalaan.

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    Replies
    1. Parekoy, hindi ko alam na dumanas ka din pala ng ganito dati and good for you, you were able to over come it. I'm trying my best to fight it pero minsan feeling ko parang kulang pa. Pero I won't give up that easily. Habang may buhay may pag-asa :)

      Maraming salamat sa pang-unawa at suporta.

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    2. Tama. Habang may buhay ay may pag-asa. :-) Tuloy ang laban!

      Delete
  4. same here.... parang ganyan din nangyare sa akin last week... medyo down... depress-depressan ang peg. At ang nakakalokong ginawa ko, nag-deactivate ng twitter at nagdelete ng blog... pero after ilang oras...... ayun, up na ulit.

    take time to rest... to talk sa sarili mo kasi tayong mga maiinggay online pero tahimik sa personal ay medyo kakaiba ang lunas sa kalungkutans.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Sir Khanto, uu nga eh nagulat ako nung isang araw baket nawala ung blog mo then bigla ka ulet nag-follow saken sa twitter lol :D


      Maraming salamat po sa pang-unawa at suporta. I needed it badly :)

      Delete
  5. there are always someone who will put you down but stand up and prove them wrong... don't dwell on the things that you can't control

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the support buddy. I will keep that in mind :)

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  6. May ganito ka palang pinag-dadaanan Fiel!!!

    You need someone like Hinata na magpapalakas sayo... parang Naruto lang! Who will be there for you when the anxiety strikes out... who will hold your hands and be by your side when panic attacks... and will whisper into your ears and says that everything's gonna be alright.... and stays with you all the way no matter what... even to the very end of the healing process. With matching shakra explosion on the background...

    Don't be pressured by the meet ups and EB's... Pasensya ka na kung iniinggit kita sa mga events na ganito... di ko kasi alam na may pinagdadaanan ka...

    Pag ready ka na... we are just here to welcome you with open arms...

    Hope you overcome that feelings soon! God Bless Fiel! Isang message lang ako if you want to talk or anything... God Bless!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kuya Mar!

      Maraming salamat naman sa mala Naruto na intro. It somehow lift my spirit. Naku wish ko lang sana na may Hinata talaga akong makaka holding hands dito lol :D

      Thanks talaga sa pang-unawa at suporta. Need ko talaga yan right now :)

      Delete
  7. I remember, way back in college, I don't know if psychological exams tawag dun, madalas na mataas na anxiety level ang assessment saken. I would also have dreams before na pag ni-search ko, same interpretation. I was also that kind of person na mahiyain, madalas mapagkamalang suplada, sinasarili pag may problema, ganyan.. I really don't know I managed to overcome it, though not totally, pero I guess it really helps a lot pag nag-open up ka at nag-voice out ng nararamdaman mo like what you did here. Hindi ako expert at wala din ako ma-advise sayo but I really hope you'll feel better soon. And whoever it is that you're referring to, sana magkausap din kayo para alam din nya how you feel at maybe he can explain himself din.. Hugs!

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    Replies
    1. Ate Joanne, maraming salamat din sa pang-unawa at suporta. Iyan talaga ang nagpapagaan sa pakiramdam ko right now. *hugs 10x*

      Delete
  8. Nagtetake ka ba ng medication? May Xanax at Valium, pero don't take my word for it kasi I'm not a licensed psychiatrist.

    You are definitely stronger than you think you are, people who aren't strong enough would have considered suicide already.

    You did the right thing by blogging it all out. By the looks of the comments above, you have great friends who actually care about you. :)

    Psychological disorders aren't documented properly here in the Philippines. I believe I have undiagnosed bipolar disorder so you shouldn't feel alone. hehehe

    Anyways, you must definitely vent your thoughts out to Lala or anyone of your friends. But if you need a stranger to talk to, I'm here. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sir Zion, maraming salamat din po for dropping by at sa great advice ninyo. Di pa ako nagte-take ng any medications for it pero I'm going to tell it to my parents na rin. Nagbasa-basa ako ng infos/reviews about Xanax and mukhang best syang gamot. Sana na lang wala silang side effects.

      Salamat po muli sa support. Followed you po pala sa twitter. Yung google+ nyo ang tagal i-load ng browser ko lols.

      Delete
    2. huwag mo akong iSIR nakakahiya, parang kaedad lang nga tayo..hahahaha

      hinay hinay sa Xanax, may side effects din siya

      Delete
  9. Sorry to hear about your situation feil kun. But keep in mind and meditate what God sees who you are. You are precious in his sight. He is there for you to comfort, to strenghten, to guide, to lift you up, to put joy in your heart. Trust in God and it always help to count your blessings. You are loved by many people around you and you are a very important person. You have lots of talents in you that inspires many. Dont think of the negatives dont let those thoughts rule over you
    With God, you are a conqueror.
    When I feel like that, I go to the word of God and read f.ex Psalms and make it my prayer. Then I feel God's healing from his words. Take care and I am praying for you.

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  10. im sorry to hear ur having a difficult time right now Fiel. I hope I can do something to help you.
    Did you know na ganyan din ako, mas gusto kong nakakulong kesa nakikihalubilo minsan, kung napansin mo naman siguro umiikot lang ang mundo ko sa aking mag- ama? kasi sila lang ang security blanket ko, at itong blog malaking bagay. Sa tingin mo ba nasasabi ko ang mga nasa blog ko sa ibang tao? di kaya nila alam na may blog ako, pati pamilya alang nakakabasa. There are days na depress ako, pero kinakaya ko lang, at salamat sa support system ko na wlang iba kundi ang asawa at anak ko lang. Kung magbibilangan tayo ng mga hinanakit sa buhay ay naku talo ka promise.
    Kaya wag nang malungkot, isipin mo nalng hindi ka nag iisa at wala pa yang problema mo compare natin sa iba, count our blessings, go lang ng go:)

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  11. may ganyan din ang ate ko...dati sabi nya sakin para syang nasa hawla na gusto kumawala... pero nai divert nya ang lahat sa pag papaint.. doon nya itinutuon ang pansin nya... saka sa pag susulat na din ng diary... keep people around you. Labas labas minsan with friends para hindi routinary ang ginagawa mo... kaya mo yan nakaya nga ng iba ikaw pa... :)

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  12. try to release your issues with someone..it's not really good for your health to keep it na lang sa loob mo kc in the end your body will suffer. spend a lot of time with your loved ones and try not to seclude yourself from other people because it will really help you to ease your anxieties.

    Aside from that CRY & PRAY. Cry out loud whatever is in your heart then you PRAY. i've been through the same ordeal and with God's grace i'm stronger than I have expected.

    My prayer is with you Fiel-kun...be still and know that papa God is bigger than what you are going through. God bless you

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  13. i hope malampasan mo ang phase na ito at maging okay ang lahat... we are hear to always listen...

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  14. i feel you. pinagdaanan ko din yan recently. ilang days din ako tuliro, wala sa sarili at nagkulong lang sa kwarto. then, i just realized na andami pala nagmamahal sa'ken. ayun. matapos ko ilabas lahat ng kinikimkim ko sa loob ko e unti-unti nako naging OK. sana ikaw din. God Bless!!!

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  15. Fiel, THINK that it's normal and common to feel being anxious. It happens to all normal people at all times, anywhere, everywhere in this world and whoever you are. You just need someone you can reach out to, and if that someone will not exist, then maybe your blog is the medium so you can feel better. Tulad ngayon, you feel better kasi nailabas mo ang matagal mo ng gustong sabihin, don't worry yan ang simula, time will come you will be ready to meet those you can easily mingle and siempre you trust at open ka. Basta lagi mong isipin, hindi malala yang nararamdaman mo, di mo kailangan ng psychiatrist o anumang gamot. Minsan LOVE, AFFECTION, ATTENTION, TOUCH (hugs) might help at siempre ang PRESENCE, pakikinig at pag unawa ng walang halong judgement ang lulunas dyan. Take your time. Sit back and relax. Take a day or two to recognize ano yung mga bagay na madali kang madiscomfort o madisappoint, kung need mong i-grab ang isang book go read it, take a rest from using pc for a while at malay mo marami kang marealize. Need to talk? Count me.

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  16. naku parekoy! hirap nga nyan
    naiintindihan ko situation mo parekoy!
    pero I think makakaya mo yan first step na tong post na to

    i suggest try to build a stronger connection jay god read bible
    and i'm sure all this anxieties will be gone
    basta kahit anung mangyari dito lang kame don't worry
    walang nagbago sa pagtingin ko sayo as blogger as friend
    actually mas humanga ako sayo ng dahil dito

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  17. hi fiel! just stay positive lang. kung sino man yung nagpa saring sau, im pretty sure na joke lang yun. at di yun alam na masasaktan ka. kasi you're so lively sa twitter at kahit sa comment mo. ang gaan gaan nga ng loob ko pag nagvisit ka sa blog ko. isa ka sa mga taong hinahanap ko sa comment line. me mga ganung moments kasi ako. pag di kapa naka comment nagtataka ako bakit. baka bz or close na blog bigla. isa ka don. kaya wag na maging down ang feeling. marami kami nandito para sau fiel.

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  18. kuya fiel!! sobrang naka-relate ako sayo...parang pinagdadaanan ko din yan minsan. madalas ako magisa at malungkot. pero ang lahat ng bagay ay lilipas din.

    just keep moving, lilipas din yan :)

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  19. Hallo Fiel! It's been a while :D
    It's okay to feel that way, although mahirap talaga ang nagkikimkim ng nararamdaman. Mahirap nga siguro sa isang katulad mo ang i-release ang mga bagay-bagay pero you know, kahit na ang isang madaldal na tao ay nahihirapan din mag-express ng sarili lalo na kung alam nyang may masasagasaan or alinlangan sya :) It's a good thing we have blogs and you know how to blog for you to express yourself :D

    These past few days, I'm feeling down same to you. I think I'm having friend issues. Medyo nagiging sensitive na ako sa mga kaibigan ko pero I can't talk about it to them that's why I keep to myself :( I can't even blogged it kasi it's public at baka mali naman yung iniisip ko. Nangyari na ito before and I just let it go, lumilipas naman talaga kaso lang hindi mo alam kung kelan, mahirap kasi nagiging restless ka. What I did is I always make myself busy. Thanks to my fandoms para kahit paano hindi ko maisip XD

    Just be the way you are :)

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  20. Kapatid here I'm sending my hugs! I hope everything is going well with you. I'm like you mahaba ang pasensya ko to someone esp. Kung close relatives or family but pag napatid na ang pisi I can explode like a bomb. We all have the same issue in life and I can tell you are a strong person and kind. Don't let the negative thoughts come into you. We all here willing to listen may not be a good adviser but we are all a good listener. Keep smiling...

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  21. hi fiel.. hmm mejo mabigat yan pinag dadaanan mo. pero yun di lang naman ikaw ang may insecurity at issues sa buhay.lets face it and try to step out on ur comfort zone.. speak out :D well madaling sabihin pero mahirap gawin. alam ko yan dude! ganyan din ako minsan.. ako nga masayahin pag kaharap ko ibang tao. pero emotional din ako hehehe. feeling ko nga minsan napaka fake kong tao. pero wla ee yun ang defense mechanism ko lahat tayo ng mga way kung paano makakatakas sa mga fears or anxiety natin.. minsan try to speak out hanap ka ng taong masasabihan mo lahat. after all masarap din sa pakiramdam yan, :D

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  22. You know you can always talk to us Fiel-kun. I can lend you my ears, ears ng kuneho, ganyan! Para san pa ang pagiging pamilya natin, diba? :)

    Fiel, Naiintindihan kita. I was like that before, maniwala ka man o hindi. And isa din ako sa mga taong maingay online pero tahimik sa personal. Wala sa isip ko ang makipag meet sa mga taong hindi ko naman personal na kilala. First time ko makipagmeet nung pbo event and sobrang kabado ako, and parang ayaw ko nanag ituloy. But I wanted change, para sa sarili ko because I know I cannot be like that forever. Gusto kong makarating sa panibagong isla ng buhay ko, but I cannot do that if I am afraid to leave the shore. I took risk. For better or for worse, sabi ko bahala na. And then, now I feel good. Naks!

    Of course in your case, it might take some time at naiintindihan ko yun. No pressure! Basta mag sabi ka lang, andito lang ang kuneho mong kaibigan. :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. may mga ganyang moments talaga siguro. nangyayari talaga siguro kahit sino pang ganong kasayahing tao. lahat nagkakaroon ng ganyan. bio-chemical reaction plus environmental pressure siguro ang main cause. :D

    pero ang good news is, aware ka na nararamdaman mo na yan. Iba kasi pag di mo alam, di ka aware o kaya in denial ka. At least, you know something's wrong and you have to do something about it. :)

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  24. Okay lang yan, lahat tayo dumadating sa point na nahihirapan tayo. Kaya mo yan! Just stay strong okay. :)

    Nandito kaming readers mo para makinig sayo. It'll be okay. *cyberhugs!*

    ReplyDelete
  25. Blog hopping here and felt so sad about this last entry but you are so bless to have so many people, bloggers or not, who support and love you. Nag blog din ako for one reason, to let my feelings be heard, although metaphorical ang dating, at least, naiibsan ang aking kalungkutan at hinanakit sa buhay. Kayanin mo yan, bata ka pa, at magdasal. :)

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  26. parehas tayo ng nararamdaman... nagiging nega na ako ngayongpanahong ito... ganto pala pag panahon ng thesis ahaha. feeling ko may mga nangbabackstab. basta napaka pessimistic ko. Kinikimkim ko na lang din. Pero last time sinabi ko ung feelings ko... ayun. Nagalit pa sila sa akin. Lalo lang ako naging down, minsan iniisip ko wag na pumasok. Pero siguro dapat eh isipin na lang din natin yung mga masasayang dahilan kung bat tayo araw-araw ginigising ni Lord. Part lang talaga ng life toh. Maganda din na magshare katulad nito. Nakakagaan talaga ng pakiramdam. Yungblog natin, dito tayo pinaka free na iposto sabihin lahat ng nararamdaman natin. Kaya wag ka matakot :))) dito lang kami.

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  27. hugs :)

    ano kaya ang dahilan or ang bagay na maaring makapag trigger ng anxiety disorder mo? kung anu man yun, i hope u find a way to overcome. it's within you so ikaw lang ang unang-unang makakapag pabago sa kung anong nararamdaman mo. mind-set lang fiel-kun :) i believe happiness is a choice so we can always choose to be happy and be actually happy. pray for internal peace and recognize your friends :) anajan sila to make u feel better. at yung mga interests mo can also make u feel better... anime,jpop, asian dramas, forum :) tama lang itong ginawa mo na nagsulat ka about how u feel :) gaan sa pakiramdam :) kaya maganda may blog meron kang outlet :) ill pray for you :) hope this comment made u feel better even just a bit :) take care!

    hugs ulet! :)

    The Girl with the Muji Hat

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  28. I'm here for you Fiel! Kahit minsan lang naman tayo nakaka pag chikahan dito sa blog o sa twitter, I'm all ears ready to listen in case gusto mo ng makaka usap. No judgement whatsover :)

    We all have our own issues and our own stuff to deal with, sometimes we just need to talk to a family member, a friend :) Ako friend ako ha, kaya chikahin mo lang ako anytime! :)


    Hugs Fiel! :)

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  29. aw. stay happy Fiel :) yung negative vibes, nakakahawa. yung positive din! kaya smile ka na, huh? :-*

    (>.")>HUGS<(",<)

    Myxilog

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  30. siguro now okey na kasi naibahagi mo na sa mga kaibigan mo lalo na sa blog ang nararamdaman mo....ako nga din minsan na rin lang mag blog..may pinagkakaabalahan rin lang..

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  31. i think writing your thoughts here in your blog will help you cope up with your anxiety disorder, also talking someone close to you or with your mom
    talking and writing what you feel is a great therapy
    dude, just chillax...
    take care

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  32. It's really alright to sound emo...

    We all need that because it's not good to just bottle up our feelings. Delikado... And that's why you've got a blog! It's a good resort to be able to vent out bad feelings or thoughts to make you feel at ease at least at the end of the day. I also do that, too! Good thing it has kept me sane. Haha :)

    Just continue writing! :)

    www.yaniness.com

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  33. ako'y dumadaloy lang parekoy... hehe have a great day

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  34. I hope you feel better after this post.

    Introvert type din ako. Bihira ako maglabas ng totoo kong nararamdaman pero tama nga sila . You cant alwyas be like that forever.

    'Tong pinagdadaanan mo ngaun. Sigurado ako malalagpasan mo rin. Chher up :)

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  35. Dropping by agsin to say that I nominated you in my last post. Hope you find time yo visit:)

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  36. this whole blogging thing is all about expression. nakakagaan ng loob pag nasasabi mo yung mga masasakit na nararamdaman mo.

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  37. yun nga sinasabi ko sa yo fiel... sometimes you need to vent out.. hindi yung parang natatakot ka sa tao? di ba nga sabi nila face your fears?
    iniisip mo kasi kaagad yung mga negative things eh, why not yung mga positibong bagay muna ang inahin mong isipin?
    *bear hugs*

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  38. eto pala yung tinutukoy mo na emo post.. oh ayan nakita mo naman ang dami nagmamahal sayo.. mas ok talaga na nalalabas mo yung mga nararamdaman mo mahirap kasi talaga solohin yan nakakapraning.. lalo na at may mga totoong kaibigan ka naman.. pwede mo ishare samen yan..pwede saken... im here to listen.. ok? anyway im glad you feel better now ;)

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  39. ngayon ko lang nabasa to... at nakibasa sa mga advise nila... know what? lahat siguro may anxiety attack. Yung iba mas magaling lang magdala.. I think normal lang yan kasi lahat tayo may ups and downs. Ang mahalaga ay may mga trusted friends o family tayong nakaka-usap. Isa din itong blogging sa form of release.. kaya sige lang. feet bad if you must then stand up again and smile : )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i mean feel bad if you must then move on again..and again..and again...

      Delete

 
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